Friday, November 19, 2010


i do a fairly good job in avoiding and stuffing. most of the time. but occasionally, without warning, it creeps in through the cracks. despite my best efforts and the fact i have mastered the art of compounding and spackling.

tonight it snuck up on me. i had been intentionally trying to out run it, but i lost that race ending with a bucket load of tears and incredible pain. not the trophy i usually hope for. the catalyst? my sweet, sweet boys. after a great time all snuggled up with them tonight, it escaped through that very old and long-familiar crack. it happened as i held a sleeping little one and was overcome with the gratefulness {beyond words} i have for him. a miracle despite all of the odds. it is never far from my thoughts on how blessed i am to even be able to hold him. him. why him? it's during times of raw thankfulness that I am often overtaken with reminders of what we have lost. it is a bitter, bitter mix of emotions. sometimes it's almost shocking how the pure joy that he is here with us can also be such a cruel, jagged reminder of what all we have lost. my body fiercely fights {or fought, since that chapter is closed} to extinguish the sacred little lives that were placed there. would they have looked like him? laughed like him? felt like him? smelled like the sweet sweat (yes, i said that}? and, then of course, there are providential battles that rise. my sweet God could have thwarted the wars my immune system raged; and easily won. i know that. but, i also know that i trust him. no matter. and that, is sometimes not the easiest feat to overcome. but, i have in a deep way; on most days anyway.

having said all of that, it's just much easier to secretly carry those emotions quietly tucked away in my heart. and, i typically do rather well with that. but,even then when i'm carrying along okay, i find myself occasionally getting blindsided by guilt; the guilt of not acknowledging those sweet babies from time to time. my body lost them. but, i believe with everything that i am that from the very moment their little lives began, their lives truly began eternally. and for whatever reason they weren't able to stay with us, they mattered. to us and to Him.

so, what do i do with that?

since the majority of this blog is intended to remember for my family, tonight, i felt very compelled {against my wishes} acknowledge. at least tonight. then, i will patch it back up and move on until a birthday that should have been, a positive date is remembered, or a day of loss hits by way of the calendar. but also, when those seemingly innocent numbers on the calendar happen to coincide with a plainly-innocent, perfectly good day, it is then when i am overwhelmingly reminded of what incredible little miracles i hold in my arms. both of them. but, i also have little ones i hold in my heart. just because i can't hold them, i miss them fiercely. the reasons their lives only briefly graced ours? i'm not sure i will ever have answers on this side, but, i'm content with that, now. it took a long time to get from there to here; it was a very long trip.

my thankfulness for the gifts i have almost takes my breath away. actually, it usually does.

last month was pregnancy and infant loss month. i skipped it. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't.


it is one of the painful months now, but thankfully the weight is much heavier on the side of joy and gratitude. thanksgiving of course brings up an immense amount of sweet, sweet memories and precious gifts that we are thankful for; but, it can also be a huge reminder of important pieces of our heart that are no longer with us.

so, for my november baby {babies actually}


and, as strong as i try to convince myself that i am on most days....

i am thankfully very 'held'.

and, so are they. {smile}

and, the very best thing of all, i will hold them.

of that, i have no doubt.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalms 139:16


Stacy Carter said...

Love you friend! It is so hard when the reality of a loss blindsides you. It is easier to tuck it away than feel the grief and loss again. Praying for you.

Mom2Three said...

So true in so many ways, your is so hard to go through, and we tend to push it all, way, way, down deep inside us, but it has a way of showing up. I love you, praying for you.

meeksmiles33 said...

Wow! I love you! You are held and so are those little precious ones! Thank you for sharing. You never know how many lives you will touch by this.