Within a span of a little over a week, we have had a walk-in visit to have an a finger x-rayed due to a bad fall at baseball practice and a mishap to same finger the next day at school; we received a note from the teacher voicing her concern. All was well.
Surely in my early nursing career, I was not saving a fireman from heat exhaustion at a burning house when I did not tumble down a hill as I thought he was coding and broke my toe? And, absolutely, that doctor I worked with did NOT try to load me up in the ambulance so the clinic would get......."extra credit." I must have dreamed that. And, no, the news crew was not there.
A trip to the ER for a CT scan due to the nasty bump on the head accompanied with some questionable neuro findings.
Surely, I did not slide under that school bus in the 9th grade due to those stinkin' slick penny-loafers and have the need to be taken to the MD due to busted knee caps and a knot on the head. I don't think that could have possibly happened? Or would I even remember it if it did? And, there was never the time I was getting ready for a black-tie event with my husband when I walked across the kitchen floor, my head full of about.......107 hot rollers and I could not have stepped on that melted piece of ice that took me down in a fraction of a second. My head being so heavy it was the first to make contact with the floor. The hard floor jabbing all 107 hot roller pins INTO my head. That could have NEVER happened. Just like that time I was 7 months pregnant with a very high-risk pregnancy when I fell down my grandfather's front steps landing me straight in the ER. Never-ever could have happened. Who on earth could be that clumsy? IF it had happened, it would have been that center-of-gravity shift thing that always happens in pregnancies.
During a bath yesterday, one little guy accidentally hits the other little guy in the mouth and a lip gets bitten THROUGH. We now basically sport a pierced lip. Now, we are swishing with the Mylanta and Benadryl solution in an effort to avoid a nasty mouth ulcer.
I can't imagine that I would hit the bottom of a swimming pool almost knocking myself out, but, the pain from biting THROUGH my tongue kept me widely alert. Let's talk about bacteria, germs, etc. And, then certainly, the infection that developed that was diagnosed as........ahem......"rabbit fever" was not given to me. No way. Do you know anyone that has ever been diagnosed with rabbit fever. Well, maybe you do? Maybe you don't? And, if that self-inflicted piercing wasn't bad enough, I would have never pierced my belly button. Myself. Well, maybe a RE-pierce. And, it would have never been recent. Ever. Because surely I would have passed out. Because something like that could never take more than ten minutes right? And, I would never do that at this age. Absurd!
One little guy knocks the other little guys tooth out. Again. And, yes, it was loose. He has decided he will make a great dentist. Remind Aunt Angie NOT to hire him.
And, regardless of the above, there is NO WAY I could have pretty much knocked four teeth out of my mouth all on my own. All at once. It would have been crazy playing a game around a swing set with my eyes closed. And, although I didn't want to BECOME a dentist because of that life-altering experience, I would have been thankful that I had one of the very best who saved my teeth. That's only IF that had actually happened. But, I am certain there is no way it could have. Not in this family anyway.
Oh, and although NEITHER of my boys choked today. Really, really they didn't, but I am on a roll and can't stop. Or, maybe I am making all of this up. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what I am doing. But, because I am not sitting here laughing at myself because I am such a dork. And, definitely not a clumsy dork - just the regular dork version. Last one for tonight because surely I do not have 55,000 medical records to summarize and oh, 23,456 pictures to edit.....I do have to get busy. But, it's early. It's only 11:58 pm. But, there is no way, no way AT ALL that I could have ever been found on the floor of our bathroom, choking, in the classic, she-is-really-choking-position with hands around the neck, turning blue (SURELY TO GOODNESS I AM KIDDING?!?!?!) because there is NO way I could have possibly choked on a birth control pill and almost died in my own bathroom. And, surely the first thing I could remember when I actually got my oxygen levels up past the hypoxic stage there is no way any concerned husband of mine could have started laughing at his dying wife when he figured out what I had done. Absolutely no way in this world. I know he would have had much more concern that that. But, that could not have even happened because there is no way one could die from a birth control pill right? Well, unless she has a strange, rare blood-clotting disorder that can kill a young lady if she even takes a birth control pill. Now, that could NEVAH-EVAH happen. Because why in the world would a perfect text-book infertile girl be taking a birth control pill in the first place? And, if you read the above, it could not have been that same girl who fell down her dear grandfather's steps when she was........ahem........pregnant?
Seriously, I will stop. I think I had too much Coke Zero tonight. You know me, a heavy drinker I am!!!!
Really, in the whole scheme of things, the last week has actually been rather uneventful. Because in my world, it can always be worse. Much, much worse. Should I ever let anyone in on it if worse things had happened?
I do think I may be delirous. There are only so many medical records one can read.
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