{all this time}

Even though yesterday was a beautiful day in comparison to

today's gloomy, cloudy day - it felt like the later yesterday. 

March 7.

To be honest, I hate seeing that date on the calendar.  And,

even if I were to attempt to ignore, the budding and blooming

trees and flowers always give it away to me that it is coming.

The day my daddy died. 

I did find comfort in this song by Britt Nicole

 {which also happens to be my sweet niece's name}

All This Time

I remember the moment
I remember the pain
I was only a girl
But I grew up that day
Tears were falling
I know You saw me

Hiding there in my bedroom
So alone
I was doing my best
Trying to be strong
No one to turn to
That's when I met You

All this time
From the first tear cry
To today's sunrise
And every single moment between
You were there
You were always there
It was You and I
You've been walking with me all this time

Ever since that day
it's been clear to me
That no matter what comes
You will never leave
I know You're for me
And You're restoring

Every heartache and failure
Every broken dream
You're the God who sees
The God who rescued me
This is my story
This is my story

I hear these people asking me
How do I know what I believe?
Well I'm not the same me
And I saw the proof I need
I felt Love I felt Your grace
You stole my heart that day 

I could never explain how true those words were and are to this day.

Maybe someday I will.

I remember the moments I wish I could forget, I remember finding God

in a way I had never known him before despite the shock and pain....

as painful as the day was, it forever changed me in a good way.  

It was a day that faith intertwined with every fiber I was.  And, am.

{on purpose}

I didn't post this yesterday.

On purpose.

It is always SUCH a bittersweet thing. 

And, yesterday in all of the hustle and bustle of work,

I actually had not thought of it yet. Until my brother

reminded me.   My daddy's birthday. 

And, not just any birthday.

A milestone birthday.

His 80th birthday.   

It is so strange to think or type that.

I only knew him for 15 years.

I last knew him when he was 55. 

Yes, he had late in life babies. :) 

That means I've been without him for 25 years.

That really stinks. 

I can't even type it without tears burning my eyes.

And, a huge lump in my throat.

It just really makes me sad.

The only good thing is knowing where he is?

I wonder if he had cake?

It wouldn't surprise me. 

I hope he did. 

I have tears falling on my keyboard.

That is exactly why I stuff so much. 

It's just easier. 

A lot easier. 

Happy Birthday Dad!

I miss you so much my heart could break.

On a happy note.

Yes, there can be happy in the middle of utter sadness.

Yesterday was also my brother and sweet sister in law's

17th wedding anniversary.  

I am VERY proud!

Dad would be VERY proud! 

Psalms 147:3  He heals the broken hearted, binding up their wounds. 

{23 years}

yesterday marked the day i was without my daddy for 23.long.years.

i had intended to post something in an effort to be somewhat cathartic, but just soaked it all in for myself throughout the day.

i do wish i could forget the horror from that morning. it's that type of thing that truly leaves a lifetime of scars. it's hard not to remember the exact moments contained within those first 24-48 hours in 1987.

but, the good memories definitely outweigh those last moments.

for me, it's mostly about he and i missing out on sharing the boys as well britt. what would he have been like as a grandpa? what would he think of me "all grown up?", would his hands still look the same? what would he do with his boys? would he and my aunts still visit for hours? would he still tinker with cars?

that's the really, really hard part.