{giving}

Before I settle in for a long day here at the computer, I feel very compelled to write something about giving. I don't necessarily want to, in fact, I don't want to at all; but, I can't shake it. It's a bittersweet memory to revisit, but, maybe it will benefit someone else out there. And, I'm sitting here in tears, so it will be as brief as I can make it - maybe someday I will expound upon it more.

This morning, I ran into a sweet friend as we got donuts for the kids. Just a chance meeting. As we drove away in opposite directions, I just had an immense sense of peace & happiness. You know, the one in which all is right in the world, although you know better. The type that can only be explained from above. Well, I smiled to myself as I often tease her at how perfect her life is and she quickly reminds me that it is "life". She looked perfect as always, I was in my running clothes, hair piled on top of my head; not presentable at all. And, I only tease her because of all of the dysfunction in my own life right now. :) But, she and I started out pretty much the same and have alot of similarities with our backgrounds as children. As I drove home, I was listening to great music, my boys were in the backseat all cozy and warm eating donuts....I was just thankful for so much: the health that we have, our home, our children, our friendships. Very thankful. I looked at what my boys have while taking into account what they have lost and even that floods me with a rush of emotions. I can see parallels and clear distinctions with and of my own childhood. Sometimes, it is very hard, and other times I feel the need to revisit my own childhood at this time of year in particular. I get a huge urgency to give. And, I would beg of you to do also.

I was that child. The one that is on the other side of the giving - the receiving. I was one of the children who benefited from the Salvation Army Christmas gifts every year. The memory of my brother and me sitting in my grandpa's car in the parking lot at the Fort Smith facility is etched in very deep. In fact, a few months ago while making a wrong turn in downtown Fort Smith, I saw the building for the first time since my childhood. It made my heart stop.

At the time, there was no shame for us - we were just so excited as my mom somehow brushed away her pride and went into this building to carefully choose a new present and two used toys for each of us. My dad had horrible health problems for most of my life. His work ability was hit or miss. He ended up having a massive heart attack when I was around 12 and suddenly died when I was 15. The years that led us to that point were very difficult and unbearably painful subsequently. As we grew up, seeds of embarrassment and shame did begin to creep in and I just tried my best to keep all of it from my friends. I'm not certain any of them ever really knew. But, now as an adult - there is so much to take in and understand.

Even though somedays I am painfully aware of the circumstances that have changed for us - not in the material ways, but, in the things that matter: health, family involvement, and just day to day activities I had so taken for granted; I am so aware of how blessed we are in the midst of that. So, as I go through the boys closets this year and get sickened by the massive amounts of toys they have accumulated over the past year, I hope to instill in them this urgency to give. When I pass by the Salvation Army bells - I can't help but to dig in my purse - my ears cannot ignore that ringing. So whether it be the Salvation Army - or any other worthwhile cause - please take a moment to see what your family can do this year. I know that times are tough for so many of us right now any my heart is just aching to help in some small way. At least, clean out some closets. You have no idea how what your children have pushed aside will absolutely thrill another child. I promise you that, because I know.