{painful}

moments. a reminder of how little time we have to encapsulate these little gifts.

* N has "dropped" my hand twice in the past couple of weeks when we've been out in public. my heart stopped, but, i didn't say anything to him. thankfully, he has reached for it more times than that.

* E broke up with me. just like that, no warning at all. very, very painful. he informed me that he really can't marry me afterall because his daddy is really already married to me. but, he reassured me that he is still in love with me and that he will always live here. he nnnnnnnnnnevvvvvvvvver evvverrrrrrrr wants to move out. fine with me.

* yesterday i received a request from the office that was somewhat of an emergency. of course, i checked my email as i was walking out the door to pick up the boys, so the delay in being able to address it made me a little panicky. but, i did have to go pick up my boys. so, as soon as I returned, i flew to my desk and started doing the required research. it was a big deal, so intense concentration was required. i could not miss a thing. well, e came strolling in my desk chirping about something as i was very focused on what i was reading, so i politely asked him if he could give mommy a few minutes as i had a very big problem i had to take care of.......this is what i heard come from behind me in the softest, saddest voice you have ever heard. "mommy, is your big problem bigger than me." okay. although i felt like whatever is lower than pond scum in the ecosystem. i stopped. i breathed and i turned around. my problem could absolutely wait. my son could not. so, i gathered him up as he told me a very trival point of his day that was very important to him. i gave him some lovings and he scurried on his way without a complaint. talk about feeling like the worst mommy ever. painful does not truly describe. another lesson learned. ouch!

* this is another bittersweet time of the year for me. i am gathering pictures, artwork, bits of this and that to put in a pretty package to be sent away to our birthmom. as we celebrate mother's day in a few weeks, the day before is set aside for birthmother's day. always so hard for me for no other reason but to imagine what she may be going through. i am hoping to make her day a little sweeter as this year i found the perfect gift to include. it is two hammered silver ovals with hollow centers - so it is the outside of the ovals only. the smaller one lies inside of the larger one. i am having his name and birthdate stamped on one side that she will wear facing her and the outside will be plain and look like simple jewelry. i searched high and low and i knew when i saw it. i hope she loves it! i always feel so terrible........how in the world can i ever show her my gratitude? so impossible