{a purpose}

a couple of months ago, i received some really harsh words from someone who i thought i had been really close to. when i sat in my car and read the words.... i was stunned, confused, and hurt; all of which turned into anger quite quickly. basically, the words were to stay out of their life and "deal all of the drama in your own life."

wow. it hit me very hard and those words really stung. and, in the days that followed, i found out many things that had been said about me and our family since the accident. (again, remember we live on life before and life after that day) however, in working through that entire situation re: the words launched at me, i spent alot of time in prayer and searching for answers. some answers regarding why it was said to me, i will never know - but, it ended up pushing me down a very positive path. do i have drama in my life? yes, quite a lot on any given day. it seems like it has gone on forever. several years ago a sweet and dear nurse i worked with me told me that someday i needed to write a book, the only problem is that it would need to be titled fiction because no one would ever believe it was true.

so, aside from the fact i had to somewhat recover from that day in my car after reading those words .....i started thinking. for whatever reason, i have never had a really smooth, uneventful life at any given point - my childhood was a tad (to say the least) on the rough side as far as financial struggles and severe health issues suffered by my dad, my dad dying in front of me and my brothers at the age 15, remarriage difficulties with my mother (etc, etc, etc). THEN my prince stepped in and i had a short reprieve. however, as soon as we were married - we started trying to build our own family which lead to our discovery of severe infertility issues (including two failed in-vitros), multiple miscarriages (a failed adoption and a miscarriage of twins within 3 days of each other), almost losing noah to an anesthesia problem while at children's from a simple tonsillectomy, bedrest and a horribly difficult pregnancy with evan, scott's accident resulting in a closed head injury, finding out about his brain tumor 4 weeks later, noah's kidney diagnosis affecting not only one kidney but BOTH, etc, etc, etc - you get the picture.

so, i guess this person is right, i do have alot of drama. at first i wanted to lash back out at her - i didn't ask for any of it. so, i had to work through that; and, i have and i'm in a good place with it. then, i had to look at myself under that nasty microscope. that's not always the easiest thing to do. how am i handling this 'drama'? well, i feel like i really try to handle it in a fairly positive way. do i get down with it? absolutely, but, i have never once doubted God being right in the midst of it. do i handle it right? no, i'm sure i handle it wrong the majority of the time. i started thinking about my reactions to it, which i actually do on a fairly consistent basis because i know that is one of my huge failings. does everyone see me as self-centered? negative? it was a real struggle for several weeks. i was shocked that this person had viewed me in this light and had actually voiced it to others - so, what did everyone else think? i think that anyone who has gone through extremely trying circumstances will understand - you either want to run and hide, ignore it all, fight it or all of the above. i'm usually a fighter, but, had i lost my fight?

i remember sitting in our living room with our pastor, his wife and noah hours after learning the baby girl we had planned to be ours for months, the one we had packed our bags for and was ready to go pick up was going to be parented by her birthmom. in one moment, one phone call - our hopes were crushed - all the while knowing that the baby i was carrying was not going to make it and I would soon be losing it. and, still through all of that pain and tears we were at peace with God's will. did it hurt? absolutely! dreadfully so, but, we trusted Him. and, you have to know our former pastor. i think we actually laughed through that evening at how it shouldn't be much of a shock, we always seemed to take the bumpier roads. i even got to a point where i hated to even acknowledge another bad thing had happened because it almost became embarrassing as crazy as that sounds.

i can look back at our infertility with the horrible miscarriages and the path that led to the wonders of adoption and can see how God was truly in the middle of all of that. since that time period, i have cried with other moms who either just received a dreaded diagnosis of infertility, lost a baby or who just had a baby placed in their arms from their adoption journey. i 'understand' a mother's worries as her child goes into the hospital for a simple, everyday procedure. i have real empathy for the kids who struggle at home. am i praising myself? absolutely not, far far from it. i can just look back and see how God has completely used so many of our struggles in a positive way. And, clearly, for His glory, not ours.

so, that brings us to the accident; THE struggle of our life thus far. so much of it is not seen because so much of it is behind closed doors. but, i feel like i have stalled out, given up or just accepted that this is it. i have not yielded or given any positives from this trial by fire. i have been told numerous times that God has a purpose and a plan for us through this. do i know that - yes, but do i really believe it? that is where i am at. in my heart, i do know without a doubt that God does have a plan for us through this. do i know what it is? no, i actually haven't a clue. but, i am more than willing to finally give up (thank you sharon) and quit hanging on until my knuckles are white. i've always had that tendency. i think we all to to a degree. i need to let go.....and let God. i am ready and i am shameful of how i have tried to do this on my own.

so, for those who have looked at us and felt we were self-centered through this, or at least me, i am sorry if something i have said or done anything that made you feel that way. it was never my intention. the truth is....if you really knew how things could be on a day to day basis, i think that would even shock you. i have been scratching the surface in trying to make the best of this every single day. i've been getting by on trying to hold my family together through this struggle, but, i haven't invested real time in trying to make the absolute best of what we have been given.

so, that is the journey i am on. and, i'm very excited!! you will likely get more tidbits than you care to read about closed head injuries. you make get sick of me documenting how the boys and i are trying to give back to scott a small part of what he has lost. but, i lived in the trenches of infertility, pregancy losses, a dreaded illness for a child....and i need to optimize the place where God has us for this moment. i do not doubt for a second that He has not been teaching me in this trench, but, i have not been very accepting, because i've tried to do it on my own. a clear cut way to fall flat on your face. i know, because i have.

so, no more hiding under a shell or sticking my head in the sand. our family has a closed head injury and i am going to do everything i can (by letting go) to make a positive stand in this regardless of what all of the statistics say. evan is the perfect example that statistics can be disproven. THANK.YOU.GOD.