{it's beginning to look}

ALOT like Christmas in our house!! So fun!

{thankfulness}

wow.

where do i even start?

of course, it goes without saying that we are SOOOO thankful scott got to come home from the hospital today. albeit later than we thought it would be, but home nonetheless. it was sweet how he was greeted with cheers, claps and hugs when he walked through that living room! it's been a really tough week and although it took turns we never anticipated, we are thankful it was not worse. it could have been much worse. we were very close to that "much worse", but, glad the majority of it is behind him. he is not to the smooth sailing days yet, but he will get there. he is on our bed sleeping soundly for the first time in weeks right now. such a comforting thought!! and, in that same thought, i am reminded that so many are still on the other side of so many hospital doors. my heart hurts and prays for them tonight.

my family really came together to help us over the last week and to pull off today. we had talked about simply postphoning thanksgiving, but scott was insistent. he typically wouldn't mind to avoid the entire thing, but, i think the situation of late gave him a new perspective on that. i couldn't have made dinner happen today without them. so appreciative.

of course, i am so, so thankful for my friends. true, true friends that will literally drop everything to help you out. i feel like to overly abuse that system with all of our needs, but, i am hoping to someday repay that. in this recent turn of events, i received the numerous texts when i would be at my wits end, so many sweet calls, precious visits {brad carrying me in a sonic coke just hours before his own surgery!!} and of course mandi who saved the day{s} by taking care of my boys. and, the icing, with justin driving them home for me today so i could stay put and attack a very unplanned dinner. the friends that i have close to my heart each provide me with a tremendous gift as i know that if my children are in their care, i have no worries. that is priceless. i have had alot of friends in my life. different friends for different seasons. some will be with me for a lifetime and others have taken paths in different directions. but, for my here and now......i am BEYOND blessed! my heart actually swells with my thankfulness. each of them bring something different and special to my life. SUCH a blessing!!

so thankful for God's provisions. our home, food within reach, and the ability to be able to work in areas that allow flexibility for my family. for whatever reason i have had that opportunity because i know that so many do not, i am thankful. i think one of God's biggest blessings to my life was when doors were opened for me to stay home given the situation after the accident.

thankful for my family. my brothers have become such huge, important, stable aspects of my life. they are so, so good to me. they are my 2 am calls. i have very special aunts and uncles and cousins who are true pieces of my heart.

thankful for my precious family members that have passed on. it's amazing how death does not take the love with it. i am very thankful for the legacy that has been left to me. i hope i can uphold it in a way that would make each of them proud!

but most of all......i am thankful for my precious savior. i am thankful for a country where i can freely worship Him. i am thankful that He holds me close. i am thankful that He is real.

Happy Thanksgiving!!! Let Christmas begin!

Well, maybe tomorrow. ha!

{update}

after a very long wait in the waiting room {6+ hours} he finally made it back there. The IV with pain meds was started around 1 am. Because SEMMC could not access the CT Scan from Cooper - last night was determined to be a wash out except for the pain meds {which were much needed by that point} and of course, lab to see check in on infection. Bad news, since FS has only 2 Urologists and they service both hospitals, it will likely be a very long day of wait as well. Even more bad news, one of the stones is 1/3 larger than the size of a large cherry. {my estimate is so strange because I forgot what type of fruit Dr. W referenced and I am having to compare it to Scott's tumor}. Not good. I am hope scurrying to get the kids to school, his parents are with him. I am picking up my mom this morning and will simply prepare and deliver the food and head back to the hospital.

I may be calling on some of you to help with the boys after school {SO SORRY} and possibly collect my dishes/crock pot from Mrs. Ewing since they can't stay there until next week. {AGAIN, so sorry} otherwise, besides desperately wanting and needing to be in two places at once, I've got it covered.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for all of your sweet texts last night!!! Will check back in as I can.

{oh dear}

dr. w is sending scott to the hospital.

hmmmm....i have a thanksgiving feast to cook for 18 little ones.

not going to panic.

dear God {and I mean that literally}

{medical report}

he has finally decided to have them either crushed or removed. we are suppose to see the urologist tomorrow. that is, if he makes it til tomorrow. :( this has been horrid.

{in this moment}

noah and evan are playing behind me in evan's room. there is a heavy discussion occurring. but, in a good way surprisingly. noah is in charge, of course, and evan is actually not bucking it for a change. tonight they are spying while inventing. quite the multitaskers i must say! thier sweet and calm convesation to each other is music to my ears. we had moments today that i could not say that. just being truthful.

razorbacks are playing on espn in front of me. i've been watching and editing away. the boys are so not interested.

scott is sleeping in the bedroom for the first time today. he did not get off the couch. this has been beyond grueling for me to even watch, i can't imagine being him. he is now running a temperature, which i am sure is not good. by the time it hit and i phoned his md, the office had closed. his parents will likely have to be called in tomorrow to convince him to go back. he doesn't usually tell his dad no.

we had orange rolls and milk for breakfast as i loaded and played our first christmas music. it was yummy all the way around.

we had cinnamon rolls for supper. am i seeing a pattern here? i know that i won't be able to wear anything with a pattern if i don't nix that those meal choices quite quickly.

molly is snoring for the night. sweet girl.

we finally got our wood delivered today. so ready for that first fire. but, before that, i'm ready for the weather that will not dip down into the 30's at night and be in the 70's by early afternoon.

remember me mentioning feeling the desire to be very domestic right now. i'm not milking our cows yet, but i came close. i pulled out my bread machine this morning. and, it would have been really nice to have actually been able to make a loaf of bread as we are honestly out. we are out of just about everything staple wise at this point {have to break away to go pick up some groceries tomorrow} BUT, i was unable to find the kneader contraption. order made.

i'm reallllly tired right now. will edit a bit longer if this computer cooperates. and, then i'm off to bed.

briefly speaking of work. i found a TO.DIE.FOR location for a bridal shoot. i chose my bride today as this one will be on me. she is breathtaking {and so sweet!}. her dress is like nothing i have ever seen. it is perfect. the site, it looks like an abandoned, crumbly castle. i have big visions. i'm not so sure she will see it as i do. but, i think she'll be pleasantly surprised when she sees the final images. road trip will ensue in the spring.

nite!

{november}

i do a fairly good job in avoiding and stuffing. most of the time. but occasionally, without warning, it creeps in through the cracks. despite my best efforts and the fact i have mastered the art of compounding and spackling.

tonight it snuck up on me. i had been intentionally trying to out run it, but i lost that race ending with a bucket load of tears and incredible pain. not the trophy i usually hope for. the catalyst? my sweet, sweet boys. after a great time all snuggled up with them tonight, it escaped through that very old and long-familiar crack. it happened as i held a sleeping little one and was overcome with the gratefulness {beyond words} i have for him. a miracle despite all of the odds. it is never far from my thoughts on how blessed i am to even be able to hold him. him. why him? it's during times of raw thankfulness that I am often overtaken with reminders of what we have lost. it is a bitter, bitter mix of emotions. sometimes it's almost shocking how the pure joy that he is here with us can also be such a cruel, jagged reminder of what all we have lost. my body fiercely fights {or fought, since that chapter is closed} to extinguish the sacred little lives that were placed there. would they have looked like him? laughed like him? felt like him? smelled like the sweet sweat (yes, i said that}? and, then of course, there are providential battles that rise. my sweet God could have thwarted the wars my immune system raged; and easily won. i know that. but, i also know that i trust him. no matter. and that, is sometimes not the easiest feat to overcome. but, i have in a deep way; on most days anyway.

having said all of that, it's just much easier to secretly carry those emotions quietly tucked away in my heart. and, i typically do rather well with that. but,even then when i'm carrying along okay, i find myself occasionally getting blindsided by guilt; the guilt of not acknowledging those sweet babies from time to time. my body lost them. but, i believe with everything that i am that from the very moment their little lives began, their lives truly began eternally. and for whatever reason they weren't able to stay with us, they mattered. to us and to Him.

so, what do i do with that?

since the majority of this blog is intended to remember for my family, tonight, i felt very compelled {against my wishes}...to acknowledge. at least tonight. then, i will patch it back up and move on until a birthday that should have been, a positive date is remembered, or a day of loss hits by way of the calendar. but also, when those seemingly innocent numbers on the calendar happen to coincide with a plainly-innocent, perfectly good day, it is then when i am overwhelmingly reminded of what incredible little miracles i hold in my arms. both of them. but, i also have little ones i hold in my heart. just because i can't hold them, i miss them fiercely. the reasons their lives only briefly graced ours? i'm not sure i will ever have answers on this side, but, i'm content with that, now. it took a long time to get from there to here; it was a very long trip.

my thankfulness for the gifts i have almost takes my breath away. actually, it usually does.

last month was pregnancy and infant loss month. i skipped it. sometimes i do, sometimes i don't.

november.

it is one of the painful months now, but thankfully the weight is much heavier on the side of joy and gratitude. thanksgiving of course brings up an immense amount of sweet, sweet memories and precious gifts that we are thankful for; but, it can also be a huge reminder of important pieces of our heart that are no longer with us.

so, for my november baby {babies actually}


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and, as strong as i try to convince myself that i am on most days....

i am thankfully very 'held'.

and, so are they. {smile}

and, the very best thing of all, i will hold them.

of that, i have no doubt.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. Psalms 139:16